Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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