At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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