When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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