I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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