God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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