Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
