she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
