So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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