Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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