I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
