The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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