so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
