dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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