im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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