Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
