Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
