the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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