I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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