This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
