y did u give ur computer a hand job?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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