i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
