also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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