like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
