Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
