I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
