having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
