Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
