Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize