i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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