Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
