My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
