the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
