Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
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