I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
