I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
