Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
