Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
