Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
