I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
