i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize