I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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