I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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