you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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