She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
