At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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