I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
