I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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