tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
