2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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