hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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