Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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