Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
