You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
