I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
