She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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