You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I AM VODKA MAN
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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