make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
