just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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