Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
