i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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