I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
