It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
