my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
