I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
time to smoke my breakfast
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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