Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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