I hope mine doesn't look like that
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize