And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
