; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
