is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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