Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
