i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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