Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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