i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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