you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
